Forgiveness. It’s thorny. It’s twisty. It feels undefinable. For some it stays strictly rooted in traditional beliefs, for others it is situational or in flux.
Like everything, it is related to our social location.
It’s supposed to be a friend, but acts more like a frenemy. It can be used against us.
So what actually is it? Why do we need it? Do we need it? Is it appropriate in all situations? How is it different from simple (or not so simple) non-attachment?
I don’t have answers. I’m inquring into these questions as concepts and as realities. As with anger, I find that the writings and teachings we reference as touchstones seem to stop mid-sentence or paint the frame, but leave the canvas blank.
Rebecca Solnit’s piece Why Did We Stop Believing People Can Change? in The New York Times popped up the day before a planned group discussion on forgiveness. It’s inpoint is the example of an incarcerated man, a friend of hers, who has embraced Buddhism and changed radically from the person he was when sentenced. However, the prison system continues to deny him parole. Solnit’s point here is not about the ills of the prison system, but something broader: the question of if and how people can grow. She cites Elizabeth Warren leaving the Republican party and Angela Davis’ personal evolution on certain issues since writing her autobiography as a young woman.
Thinking about growth and change brings me to my experience reading The Autobiography of Malcolm X, As Told to Alex Haley. Malcolm X was a person who allowed experience and thought to grow and change who he was.
I’d never encountered a person’s analysis of their wrestling, growing, defining and creating of their life philosophy in alignment with their actions before. Someone relying on their own discernment and lived experience to create a life and a movement.
Malcolm X was continually evolving as a human being, as a leader. Sometimes I think this may have been the greatest threat he presented. This kind of devotion to growth, learning, and personal evolution makes many people super uncomfortable.
Are growth and change within a person dependent on our positionality?
Some people simply do not have to expand or change to survive. Others are required to do so on an almost hour-by-hour basis. Some worlds allow for order and routine while others have to embrace disorder and instability. To develop adaptability and flexibility. In other words, to grow.
Yes, I am dancing around forgiveness and talking about growth and change.
If they are connected, where is the hinge? And who’s growth and change is necessary to make that connection—ours? The other person’s? Both?
Speaking systemically, Solnit writes:
What I come up against in all these cases is the need for inquiry and flexibility. Surely the first criterion for whether something is forgivable is whether it’s over, because the person has stopped whatever harmful thing he or she was doing, renounced the principles that led to that harm, made reparations or amends, become a different person. The second is whether there’s enough data to decide, and who should.
I find that some things and people are easier to forgive than others. I find that agency factors in greatly to my ability to forgive. What level of agency did the person have over the action or behavior? And how many times have I needed to forgive them for this?
An experiment:
As I write, it is Day 62 of the war in Ukraine. I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions about forgiveness and this violence. If you like, you can ask them, too.
Can I forgive Putin? Can I forgive him for this war, the violence, the refugee crisis, the unnecessary killings, the erasure of Ukrainian history and culture, the developing food shortage, the fuel crisis, the damage to the climate created by his war? Do I want to forgive Putin? Is it necessary for any reason to do so?
Now, this: Can I forgive a Russian soldier fighting in this war? Someone who kills because they are ordered to? Someone who may or may not believe the enemy is bad? Someone who may be fearful for their own life if they choose not to do as ordered?
Or: Can I forgive a figher in Ukraine? Someone defending themselves against attackers? Someone who kills to protect themselves and their friends, family and neighbors? Someone who has no choice?
Is forgiveness easier in one instance than in the others?
Is this kind of forgiveness—toward strangers—easier than forgiving those close to me who done harm?
What is unforgiveable? Where is the line? Is there one?
Dan Jurafsky’s Mom’s Vegetarian Chopped Liver
A Bay Area Thanksgiving gifted me this delicious meat-free version of a classic. Bitd there was a kosher dairy place on 72nd Street in NYC that had a vegetarian chopped liver, but I think this one is better. It’s also super easy!
1 can petit pois (early peas, young peas) drained (le Sueur or S&W are best if you can find them)
1 cup walnuts
2 eggs - hard-boiled
1 onion - carmelized
1 tablespoon olive oil (optional - for texture)
salt
pepper
Combine in food processor!
If you want it chunkier, you can do the peas and walnuts first, then add in the onions and egg once that's smooth.
And if you’re vegan or not a fan of chopped liver with egg, just leave it out!
From a weather report to Weather Report
KCRW inspired this week’s share, too! Listening to Stromae’s new track, Riez, I was reminded of one of my favorite songs by Mino Cinelu - Confians. 🖤