Where I grew up, tennis was a thing. A thing I was terrible at. I loved watching it, but started—and stopped—playing at 12. Years later, living in the Bay, a friend urged me to take it up again. The barrier to playing is a lot lower in a warm and usually non-raining climate with lots of public courts. We played a few times a week and split a lesson once a week.
Our teacher Carol was super chill. Also encouraging, kind, and fun. Moving when you don‘t know where you‘re going was challenging. Carol saw right through my messy footwork.
If you wait to move until the ball showed where it was going to bounce, you were too late. Those small steps that bring you to the ball early allow for your full backswing and solid follow-through. In a perfect world.
I can still hear her side-coaching, “Move your feet!” “Small steps!”
2024 delivered a rapid-fire succession of yellow tennis balls pinging at me like those machines you see on the practice court. I’ve had to relearn my footwork. The small steps that allow me to pivot in order to successfully connect.
Amidst all this pivoting, a trusted friend told me to “pull it together.” Okay, I thought, I know I’m kind of a mess, but… “No, not you. Not pull yourself together. You’re together. Pull it together.” Pull together all the work that already exists, the work I’m currently doing, and the work I’m planning into one container…
Easier said than done, though.
I began to brainstorm how I might tie together my skill set, legacy projects, the written word, development and coaching, film, and community building. I started a Freeform board and went wild with sticky notes. I built a 5-10 year plan of interconnected projects. And then I put them under a big umbrella.
But how to make these real? Some of them could start in the virtual space, but would eventually want to migrate into the physical world. Some of them required capital. Some of them required new skills.
Eeek! Overwhelm. I had specifically guarded against overwhelm in building my model, creating achievable modules that could be linked later. And yet… which to start first? Where? And most importantly: With whom?
Enter other Substackers who are brilliantly leveraging this platform to try new things. Incisive writer Laurie Stone has Zooms for paid subscribers. Patti Smith creates wonderful video posts. And lately when I‘ve started a post, Substack asks whether I want to do a podcast and sync it to Spotify!
All the tools I need to start these new modules are already here. And the community can be built here, too.
So, what will messsy look like going forward?
Regular messsy posts, usually weekly.
Posts about things that are making me happy or dulling the pain of the news cycle aka recommendations, usually weekly.
Sharing archival evergreen posts from my blog Zestyverse. Though Zesty has been dormant for a while now, there were some beautiful and insightful posts by contributing writers. Many of these feel more timely now than they were when we originally created them. They deserve new reads.
Posts that dig deeper into personal history along the lines of the regular posts.
I will continue to do my best to make messsy as accessible as possible, by recording the posts and offering alt text. If new accessibility tools show up, I will embrace them, too.
My current plan is that most of the regular messsy posts will be for all subscribers. All of the dig deeper posts will be for paid subscribers. The others will probably be 50/50.
And I want to add in the first pieces of my big umbrella for paid subscribers:
Brainstorm sessions (via monthly Zooms)
A podcast series I’ve been brewing for a while and will reveal once I‘ve got more pieces in place. This might take me a minute to pull together because tech and special guests.
What not to expect:
Me building my brand. I’m not here for branding. I’m here for exploration. Thinking out loud. Community building. Seeing what this platform can do. So if by “brand” we mean say my piece, uplift other voices, connect, and throw out a lot of questions about stuff, then yeah, that.
Me being 100% consistent. I’ll do my best. I live with chronic pain and some limited mobility. There will be times when I cannot show up, despite my best self care.
Me on camera (except for Zooms). I so dislike this. It’s why I worked behind the camera. It could happen, but don’t count on it.
Me to try to upsell you. For better or worse, I’m a bad capitalist. I might offer a discount on my writing and editorial services that I share here or remind you that I offer them. But no, I’m not going to plug myself with every post or tailor posts to make it seem like you need to engage in that way. Where’s the fun in that? And I am here for the FUN!
Every creative (which means every body) needs a space for some low-key failure and play, and messsy is that place for me. So please consider upgrading! I think we‘re going to have fun! Hopefully we’ll create new things. If you really really really want a paid subscription but are a low income artist or disabled person, please reach out. 🫶🏼
Thanks for the comments and emails! I love hearing from you! <3
Thumbnail image by Joanna Winograd taken from my poetry collection Daughters of Invention. Which is not available atm b/c messy.
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